Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in starlight107's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 21st, 2009
5:23 pm	Update I came on here to write something, but I don't know what I want to write now. I suppose I could do an update on my life, but I don't feel like writing all of that out. I will say that I am engaged to the wonderful man I wrote about in my last entry, and had my first dress fitting yesterday. (They told me not to lose any weight before the wedding because the dress fits perfectly. I think I will ignore their advice.) It's very interesting being engaged. I love my fiance dearly, but am scared about the whole my-body-not-being-fully-my-own-anymore thing. It is making me a bit more of an obvious head case (though I doubt it is actually more of one overall, because I just had everything buried better before). My head is a jumble of so many things. Dreams and hopes and fears and wondering if I am giving up something I should have held onto (my weight goals) or moving towards something that will be better. I am glad that I get to process all of this stuff 2,000 miles away from my parents. Current Mood: jumbled (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 12th, 2009
1:45 pm	I learned something unsavory about myself today So, I've had a couple of learning moments over the last few days, and I think I've figured out something about myself that I've been pondering for years. For a long time I've wondered why motivation seems to come and go so easily for me. Over the last couple of days, I've been stressed out and lacking motivation again. Then I realized that part of the reason I was lacking motivation was because of the stress. I have felt like I have so much to do that I'll never be able to get it done, and I especially won't be able to do it satisfactorily. I think the stress causes me to want to shut down, and to not try. I build things up in my head as so impossible, and as so much work, that I picture everything going wrong. And if it is all going to go wrong anyways, then why bother trying? And so my reaction to stress is to just shut down. I have wondered for years why I do this, and this makes sense. It's kind of a habit that I've built up since I was a little kid pretending to be sick so I wouldn't have to deal with school. At least knowing this about myself might help me to break the habit. Perhaps if I organize all the more, then I won't feel like I have so much to do that I can't handle it and stress out. Perhaps if I do as much ahead of time as possible, I will see how things can be managed and then be able to muster the courage to face life. Sometimes its still hard though, especially when I am emotionally down, like I am today. I spent several hours last night and several more today replying to my significant other's blog posts about how some of my opinions are wrong. I did this to the exclusion of school and school work, making this a bad reaction on my part. Its just that it hurts so that someone who is otherwise so wonderful seems to have such a violent need to be right at all times and to prove others wrong. I suspect he wishes I would agree with him about everything, but then he would just be in love with himself. In so many ways he sees me for who I am and he sees the things in me that I like about myself. He can be fun to be around, and he is a brilliant man whom I admire. But I feel hurt by the fact that he cannot respect some of my opinions. And so I find myself reacting badly to stress. I think that this is something that I will need to pray about. I need God's help to deal with the stress life brings, or I will continue to sabatage myself despite my best intentions. Current Mood: hurt (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 24th, 2009
5:12 am	Insomnia's A Bitch and Thwarted By Meeting Location Anonymous It's 5:00 A.M. the night/morning before I have to drive three hours each way to and from a job, and what am I doing? Sleeping like I should be? Nope, I'm drinking warm milk in front of the computer three hours before I need to be getting up and praying for sleep, but not too much sleep because I have to be somewhere on time tomorrow. I've already spent several hours in a dark bedroom with my magic sleep-inducing (normally) fan running trying to sleep. I'm also eyeing my bottle of Melatonin, but I think I'm going to pass on taking any because I don't want to oversleep my alarm, and I don't want to deal with the wonky dreams the stuff seemed to be giving me when I tried it last weekend. Here's to hoping the proteins in milk have a calming effect, along with the little bit of carbohydrate. I'm really getting sick of insomnia. But then again, I've not been a great sleeper for the last, oh say, decade or so, and I was never good at either falling asleep on time or getting up on time, even as a small child. Still, the insomnia has been much more pronounced since the nightmare I had about ten years ago. In fact, I think I can count on one hand the situations and places I've been in where I've slept well during the past ten years. They would include: my road trip through California, times when I've had the house to myself, times I've been house sitting, and times when I've been near someone I trusted (or trusted in one way~ read ex-boyfriends who proved untrustworthy in other ways but trustworthy enough that they provided a calming influence that allowed me to sleep). Even in each of those situations, I've still had sleep issues, but they've been much less pronounced than when I am home with my family. I know that that dream I had has had a direct influence on my ability to sleep. I also know that other anxieties play a role, and I've come to realize that being around my family causes those anxieties to be amplified. The lack of sleep has been affecting my ability to be consistent in every other area of my life, and I've come to suspect that maybe my home situation is working against me. I suspect it may be time for me to move out, even if that means forgoing financial help with school, in order to deal with the things that trouble me. Dealing with them while I'm at home has a compound effect on my anxiety- it can feed on itself because one anxiety triggers another which amplifies the first, and thus amplifies the second, and so on. I am so sick of this. So, I am becoming convinced that I need to take dramatic measures to deal with it all- 1) contemplate and move towards, well, moving away; 2) seek out that counselor I used to see or another qualified Christian counselor; 3) find an eating disorder support group that actually meets where they say they will (more on that later in this post); 4) do everything feasable to get my sleep schedule back on track; 5) eat the most nutritious diet I can so no deficiency will make it harder to sleep- vitamins will help where willpower fails; and 6) pray like crazy, and ask others to do the same. Every step on that list is hard for me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In other news, my drive out to the Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting last Tuesday turned out to be a total flop. I found the location in time, and walked into a nearly empty building. There was only one person there, and they were uninformed when it came to many of the groups that meet in that building. I explained why I came, but he had no information for me. Oh, and he kept asking if it was Overeaters Anonymous I was looking for. That was really confidence inspiring- I mean, I know I'm not overly skinny, but I'm not overweight either! Or at least, I don't think I look overweight. Gah! So, I called the two phone contacts listed on the website and got insta-answering machines that sounded like they were in some unused office. I did not leave messages. No EDA meeting for me. So, now it's on to plan B, and plan C. Plan B is to find the business card with the name and number of the counselor I saw about four years ago. She had wanted me to come to a support group (and I didn't think I needed to at the time, hah!), and I want to find out 1)if she's still around and 2) if the group is still meeting. Plan C came up tonight at my Bible study. A friend/mentor of mine is a school nurse, and she said that she had heard some things about groups like that. She said she would ask other nurses about it and see if she could find a group that would be appropriate for me. I hope she finds something. I'm getting desperate. This whole trying to be sane thing is threatening to finally drive me insane if I can't sleep while I deal with it! So I guess I'm frustrated by the whole process, but suprisingly determined to see it through. In the past I've made half-hearted attempts to do something about my totally screwed up body image, and then given up when I met the least resistance and redoubled my efforts to delve into my search for the perfect body. I came up with an idea that if I couldn't fight the disordered thinking, then maybe if I let it take over I would find out what it truly was in the end, and then see that there was something better. Now, I'm not willing to wait it out. I've taken too long as it is; it's clear I don't have the willpower to really lose weight well. It's time to stop dallying and try to find something better. Maybe that grain of truth that I'm longing for is out there. And maybe venting all of this in this journal will help me to sleep tonight. I hope. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: the sound of train horns echoing up from the valley through the cold night air (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
4:26 pm	Anonymous Meeting I'm leaving for an Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting. Oh, god, I'm scared. I know that I need to get some form of help if I ever want to get rid of my panic over my body, but I'm not sure if this is the right place for me. What if they don't take me because I am not skinny? Or I'm not disordered enough or something. I mean, I eat. I just freak out about it most of the time I'm doing it.... Here goes everything.... Current Mood: scared (6 Comments |Comment on this)
2:12 am	Seen and Not Invisible So, I told Jim about this journal, and my other two livejournals. He is reading them, and my words are all there for his scrutiny now. He chose to read it. And thus far, he's been as sweet as can be, though it is heavy material. And thus the title of the entry. With Jim, I am not invisible. I call myself starlight here because I so often feel that I am in the "twilight" of society (no vampires involved, TYVM), on the edge of the light looking in. I exist in the margins of other's conciousness. That's what I thought I wanted for a long time- to disappear, to be present only as a shadow both phyisically and socially. But that place hurts, and I'm tired of hurting so often. But there is someone who looked into this twilight and saw me and did not look away. In reality, there are two or three people who see me. And I am so thankful for them. And for those of you reading who care to do so, pray for me that I will have the strength not to shut out those who care so that I can hide from the world again. Current Mood: pensive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 17th, 2009
1:40 am	Bad Day Gone Good Today started horribly, with a screaming match between me and my parents because we don't see eye to eye on how much they can interfere with my life. It resulted in me screwing up my schedule while trying to prove my point, and them not listening (as if they ever listened). So I had a dreadful start to my day, but then my boyfriend called. And he reminded me that he loves me, even if my life is not perfect and I am not perfect. And he talked with me for about forty minutes before I needed to leave for class, and it really made my whole day better. I love Jim so much. I hope that I can learn to show it as well as he does. Luckily, I think that words might be his "love language" and so every time I tell him how much he means to me, he takes it to heart. And so my day improved vastly, and I have the house to myself for the weekend, so hopefully I can have some mellow down time and also get enough sleep for once. I have never felt so loved in my life. Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
3:55 am	Insomnia So it's 4:00 A.M. and I'm still awake, because I cannot sleep, and not for a lack of trying. My insomnia has been getting worse and worse over the last week, and I can't seem to fall asleep until the time at which I am supposed to be getting up. Yesterday, I fell asleep at 7:30 A.M., slept through my alarm and my first class, and woke up at 11:45 A.M. Gah! How am I ever supposed to function when I can't even sleep? Jim tells me that I should try taking some melatonin to help me sleep. I'm going to try that tomorrow, I think. Apparently, Jim had trouble with depression and insomnia his last year of undergrad. I'm glad he understands. On a completely different note, I decided that I should post a totally silly (and true!) story that I texted to Jim the other day on this journal, because it is silly. So, here's the Saga of the Seagull. The Saga of the Seagull Have you ever heard of the seagulls that dwell near the hockey center? No? Well, the hocky center is a beat up ice sheet in the industrial part of Tacoma. I was going there to practice on their ice before I skated in thier Christmas show. It was the middle of the day, and I was the only one in the parking lot. Across the street from the hockey center there is a recycling center that always has large piles of refuse to process. Since it is located in the tide flats, the sea gulls love it. On that particular day, the sea gulls looked unusually ominous. Suddenly, they rose up en mass and flew towards the hockey center. Beneath the flock it looked as though it was rainey gooey white drops. I was a few steps away from my truck at that point and the only thing I could think was "Take cover!" I sprinted back to my truck, hoping to make it in time. I got the door open and threw myself into the truck just as the flock started passing overhead, narrowly avoiding sticky disaster. My skate bag, alas, was not so lucky. It took several hits and required a good washing later. To this day, I look upon sea gulls with mistrust and apprehension. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Chopin "Ballade for Piano No.4 in f minor" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
7:46 pm	Life- Good and Bad It's been a while since I updated. It feels like eons since that last entry. So I guess I should update. Still in school. I can't say that it's been going very well for me. I'm a bit upset at myself- my first two quarters back I was doing so well (3.8's to 4.0's) and then I kind of bombed last semester. I wonder if I set myself up for failure by taking on a hard schedule, or if it is just because of the depression I was dealing with that I let myself fail. Depression might be the wrong word, though. I broke my foot last September (and it's still not all of the way healed), and I was going a bit stir crazy having to sit around at home and not being able to skate or dance or even walk too much. Still going a bit stir crazy. Also, I've been feeling insecure enough about my body that sometimes I would rather not be seen in public, which makes going to school when I feel disorganized and tired harder to do. Maybe I can turn that around this semester, but I need to start getting consistent hours of sleep if I wish to do that, and that has not been easy for me to do in the last decade. Body image stuff- I've been gaining and losing the same ten pounds for the last couple of years now. It's time for me to stop with that, because 152 no longer feels like success. Rather, I feel more and more chunky at the same weight, and for my sanity I've got to lose this next ten pounds. I've gotten to the point where I have started having panic attacks about my body again, although I wonder if those aren't in part due to my trying to adopt a healthier outlook- my brain is fighting that every step of the way. But I've decided that it is time for me to at least try and see the world from a healthier point of view. Why? Well, it all started when I started dating my new boyfriend. For the first time in years I could see why I might want to be healthy again. And he deserves a healthy me. I guess I should back up, though. Matthew, obviously, is no longer on my romance radar. Things ended up not working out very well with that situation. He was always ambivalent, at best, about us, and finally he ended up talking to me about it. He told me that he felt little more than indifferent to me, even though we were sleeping together. I ended up crying a bit on the way home, but it felt good to have all of that out in the open. I think I lied to myself about Matthew for quite a while. I kept telling myself that if I did everything right, then maybe things would get better, and maybe he would realize he had stronger feelings than he thought he did. In hindsight, I can't believe how foolish I was. I also can't believe how masochistic I was. I really had myself convinced that he didn't mean to be quite so standoffish, and I also had myself convinced that I deserved to be treated poorly. After all, I have trouble valuing myself, so how could I expect anyone else to? Well, shortly after that, I started chatting with a friend of Matthew's and we really hit it off. We started chatting (online via a voice chat channel) for hours on end, late into the night. After a couple of weeks of chatting for hours each day, we realized that we were falling for each other and decided to start dating. Jim is wonderful, and I now see what I have been missing in each of my relationships over the last few years. He's smart, funny, kind, caring, and interesting, and we have a lot in common. I adore him, and he adores me. He sees in me the things that I like in myself, and still cares about me despite knowing my flaws- including my battles with eating disorders. I made it a point of being up front about of my flaws, because I don't want him to think I am something I am not, and he loves me anyways. It's almost more than I can comprehend, and I have days where I almost want to take that decision away from him and break up with him because I feel I don't deserve him. But he still cares. I love him so. Anyways, I've decided to take steps towards health because being in love with Jim makes me want the best for both of us. So I'm trying to go to church again (although I still battle with the idea that God made my body as it is) and I'm going to seek out a support group for eating disorders and distorted body image. My first free meeting will be a week from now. I may also end up getting counseling again, for the first time in years. And I'm going to try losing weight the healthy way again, and really work on using proper nutrition. But I'm back here to talk about it. Hopefully being back won't trigger the behaviours I'm trying not to use right now. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, August 29th, 2008
3:07 pm	This Weekend Should Be Fun I'm going up to Seattle to meet some friends, and to hang out for a couple of days. Yay for actually having a social life! It should be a lot of fun, and I'll get away from everyone who's driving me crazy at home. Yay! And I get to see Matthew. I'm sure makings out will ensue, since I'll be staying with him. Happy sigh. Is it bad that I count the days until I can have a reprieve from being around everyone at home? Maybe, maybe, maybe this idea my parents and I have had about flipping a house will pan out soon and I'll be able to move there and get started on living in a construction zone. I don't want to get my hopes up and jinx the possibility, though. It would be so nice to not have to pay rent and have the promise of making a profit at the end of the flip. If only my dad wasn't so set on the really bad idea of flipping and renting out a duplex. Seriously, who flips duplexes? We've already eliminated the best possibility (they just wanted too much for such a run down house), though, and so it may never happen. I can't plan for it. It would be so nice to plan for a Christmas at my own place, where I could have a real Christmas tree without worrying about triggering anyone's allergies, and I could get myself a kitten for Christmas. For now, though, it's non-stop school and all of the requirements to make that work. I bought most of my books today, even though classes don't start until the 24th, so that I can have them all read ahead of time. I'll be way too busy once classes start with a tight class schedule and all of the skating I want/need to do. I'm glad I got them before the weekend, too, because I have an insane 1,000 pages of philosophy to read, including the slightly surprising combination of Plato, Descartes, Blackmore, Nietzsche, and Saint Augustine. I'm getting good vibes for my chem class, though. Why? It's because there are penguins on the textbook cover. :) Current Mood: random (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
10:50 pm	A Positive Thought and A Good Day And many apologies for an entry heading that sounds like a cheesy self-help book. It's giving me a stomach ache, too, with it's corny sweetness. But, anyways... The other night I was feeling frustrated with myself for continuously not living up to what I expect of myself, and other perfectionist whinings, blah, blah, blah... and I was thinking about why I constantly give up on myself. Really, I probably give up on myself because I do not expect myself to succeed anyways. And so, I was thinking that I should just give up on trying to force the outcome of everything I do to be perfect and just try to do what I want without thinking about whether or not I could fail. Because, really, I owe it to myself to just try. I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO SIMPLY TRY, even if I fail. With that in mind, I woke up in a good mood and for the first day in a while I did act like the person I want to be. Amazing what a difference simply LETTING myself try for my goals has, instead of constantly focussing on where I could fail. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: watching the Ace of Cakes show (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
12:21 am	Sometimes there are so many things in my head that I feel all tangled... and I'm not sure how to get them out onto paper. One of my friends writes gorgeous, flowing poetry. I wish I had that ability, but I'm more skilled with prose. Still, I'm not entirely sure how to describe this horrible mixed-up anxious feeling I get all of the time. It's like I'm afraid to be where I am, but I'm afraid to move for fear of where I'll end up. I'm not sure if I should go backwards or forwards or just stay where I am and remain frozen in one place. What should I do next? Do I really want to do that? Would I really be okay with not doing it? Is this what I really want? Why? Why not? Why am I never happy, really, even when I'm happy? How can I be okay with the universe? Even when I was a church mouse, I was never really okay with myself. If I hate myself, how can I accept any other part of reality? Is this why I want to scream and beat the wall in? If God really cares, why would he let me live a life that has led to me hating myself so? I just want all of the things that scare me and all of the things that I hate and all of the things that cause me anxiety to go away. But I have no power to do anything of the sort, and so I choose what I should do next. I choose the path that makes me anxious, because even contemplating another makes me doubly so. Am I anxious because of what I fear, or because I have listened to my fears and for so long run from them? Does running make me more anxious, or less? Whatever the answer, I will continue to run until I do not feel I have to anymore. I will run until I am somewhere safe. And that is part of the reason I am not so afraid of becoming sicker. It is part of the reason I am okay with taking things to an extreme. Even if I land myself in the hospital, it might be a safer place for me than where I am now. I want to be somewhere where I can think without fearing the thoughts that might come out of the shadows. I want to be somewhere where I can open the locked boxes of my mind and not be afraid of what insanity they might cause. I want to be somewhere where even a total breakdown will not endanger me. Maybe part of the reason I can't put this feeling into words is because I am really afraid of what causes it. I have a bad case of self-perpetuating anxiety. Even when I am calm, I am anxious, although my friends have noticed that I am significantly calmer this week than normal. Why? I have had the house to myself, and noone else around to make me crazy. Maybe if I always had a safe space, I could untangle my fears, and brush the knots out of my anxieties. It might be safe to do so then... Remaining here much longer might drive me truly batty. And that makes me want to cry. There, I talked about all these things in my head without actually talking about them. Now, if only I could tell some of my friends this, but they would only hate to hear about my problems. Current Mood: tangled (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 16th, 2008
12:21 pm	The Plan I am once again desperate, having been stuck in a rut for several weeks now, and so I am planning to jump start my weight loss the easiest way I know. In fact, in the past I've almost always needed to fast to really lose weight. It is really hard for me to lose it the healthy way, though I suspect I've been doing things wrong lately. Thus, this week is a fast week, starting this morning. I'll have only Propel, herbal water, lemon water with steevia, or pure cranberry juice with steevia, plus one orange a day so that I can stomach my nasty tasting multivitamin (the orange masks the flavor, making it swallow-able). However, I do have to do a "half-fast" on a few days so that I can keep appearances normal and drive long distances safely. Since I have to do that, I've lengthened my fast from one week to 9 days. I'll have about 450 calories tomorrow (Sunday) and both Saturday and Sunday next weekend. The great irony is that I'll be baking a birthday cake for my grandmother's 80th birthday, and I won't be able to eat more than a tiny slice. This is a good week for a fast because I don't have much scheduled, and so I can relax and watch the Olympics. I will try to move around every fifteen minutes to make sure that my metabolism doesn't drop through the floor. I'm not setting any weight loss goals, but the more, the better. I will be making sure to take supplements each day and to drink a lot of water and tea. So much for the healthy approach. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, August 15th, 2008
11:43 pm	Let's Not Mince Words I am not perfect. Therefore I am an embodiment of failure. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
2:42 am	Three more days till "vacation"! and other random musings Finally, it is finals week, and I'm almost through the summer quarter! I need a break. My early class has me exhausted, since I'm not getting enough sleep (I live with night owls and have issues that make me anxious about sleep). If I can just wake up early for three more days, then I can proceed on to summer vacation! Finals are tomorrow and Thursday. I must ace them. Perfect scores, as I did at midterms. Then, I'll have the house all to myself for a week! Sole possesion of the remote is a very important thing during the Olympics! Has anyone else been religiously following the Olympics? I've been making sure to get all of the gymnastics on tape. It makes me miss gymn enough that I've taken to doing covert full turns and leaps on the curb in parking lots. Next week will be a great week to be a vegetable on the couch. I need a week off from pressing myself to work out. Also, it'll probably be that monthly time. I hope any monthly problems will hold off until I get through finals. I don't need any more crap to deal with in the mornings. Since I'll be impersonating a veggie next week, I think it'll be a great time for a fast. Usually, I don't fast because I need energy to deal with LIFE, but next week, while I've got the house to myself, is a rare and wonderful opportunity. I'm debating, juice fast, Master Cleanse, or a limit of 200 cals of veggies daily? I'm leaning towards the clease right now. Hopefully next week will be a good time to get my head back together. I've been struggling with a lack of motivation to do anything, which I've come to recognize is really burnout combined with self-doubt. It takes so much energy to try to stay enthusiastic about doing things I'm convinced I'm lousy at. I always feel so embarrased that I look like a fool in the public view, and I'm so intense with what I would require of myself, that it is easier to just give up and not try. This is a very bad habit and way of thinking, and I need to figure out how to pull myself together. A chance to get enough sleep and a quiet house will help. It'll be nice to have the place to myself. Sometimes being around my family drives me completely nuts (no exageration)! Why did I decide to go back to school instead of taking that great secretarial job that would pay for rent, again? Being here just drives me further towards the looney bin. I hate that when my dad eats, he chews so loudly I can hear it from another room. This has always bothered me, but I get yelled at if I ask him to chew with his mouth closed. It should not be possible to hear someone chewing from another room! It makes me feel repulsed by eating. No wonder I'm weird about food... I just finished reading "Wasted" by Marya Horbacher. I will probably post some thoughts about it later. Goodnight, y'all. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
12:32 am	A few new strategies to deal with life and ADD tendencies I decided that I was getting off track partly because I wasn't focussing on things the right way, so I'm going to make an effort to re-organize the way I think and do things to help me get my life more in order. I think that I might need to be more creative about how I organize my time because of my ADD tendencies. I just can't go about dry and boring tasks one after another like a normal person would. If I can organize my thinking and actions differently, then maybe I can get my life and my head together. So, I wrote out a list of priorities, and I'm going to try to take care of them in order as much as possible. Also, I will not let myself do something I consider to be fun until I've taken care of something having to do with one of the priorities on my list. In addition, I'm going to change the way I deal with weigh-ins. I will continue to do official weigh-ins every morning, but I will allow myself to weigh-in throughout the day so that I will not be as tempted to binge. However, I'm also going to make an effort not to try to manipulate the scale as much as I have been before weigh-ins, so that I will be able to hydrate better and eat on a more spread out schedule to help my metabolism stay high. If I do this, the number I see on the scale at my morning weigh-ins will be more realistic instead of being the lowest I can get it each morning. Hopefully these two changes will keep me more motivated. I also bought some "thinspiring" clothes at Wal-Mart today. They are at least two sizes too small, but I intend to fit them as soon as possible. As a bonus, I will already have some of the smaller clothes I will need when I lose weight, so I will not need to do as much suspicious looking shopping for smaller clothes. I WILL LOSE ALL OF THIS EXTRA WEIGHT. Current Mood: resolved (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 28th, 2008
12:43 am	The Only Thing Worse Than Failure I feel like I'm so stuck in the same place right now. I am so afraid that I will always be as I am right now and never be able to change myself for the better. That has become the resounding fear that plays constantly over and over again in the back of my mind. I am so petrified of failure that I am often afraid to try, but I find that I have become more afraid that I will not be able to change at all whether or not I try. THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN FAILURE IS SUSTAINED MEDIOCRITY. I MUST TRY TO CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF SO THAT I WILL NOT REMAIN MEDIOCRE. THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID THE MEDIOCRITY THAT I FEAR IS TO TRY AS HARD AS I CAN TO BE BETTER. If only I can get my ADD self organized enough to change my life. I must try to do so. I cannot bear to remain as horrible as I am right now, lacking any traits that are far above what I define as average. If only I can make my body sublime, then I will have one trait that I value. By sublime, I mean as close to nothingness that I can get it without destroying it. Tiny. Ethereal. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Lisa Loeb (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
11:35 pm	Going In Goddamn Circles "Stop and stare I think I'm moving but I go nowhere Yeah I know that everyone gets scared but I've become what I can't be Oh Stop and stare You start to wonder why you're here not there And you'd give anything to get what's fair but fair ain't what you really need Oh Can you see what I see" I keep going in circles. One moment I'm motivated and determined, and the next I have virtually no motivation and am acting like I could just throw everything I want to be away and give up. But giving up would kill me. I'm not sure if the one thing that could send me over the edge would be to hang on to what I've always defined as my dreams and actually do everything I can to reach them, or to give up on all of that and try to redefine what I require for happiness. I seem to always default to my same old dreams to describe what I need to be happy, but also to my same old bad habits to cope with the demands I put on myself. I need to learn how not to constantly bail out. Dr. Phil says that if a person persists in a behavior that they say they want to change then there is a reward that behavior is giving them. Could it be that I am so relieved not to be putting pressure on myself for a few minutes that I subconciously find giving up to be worth it? I am such a wimp. Oh, yeah, and I got a compliment on Monday. My ballet instructor told me that I am actually quite good. I wish I could believe her. All the reason to work harder. I always need to work harder. Harder and harder and harder, but I'll get thinner and the work will get easier and easier. Easier and easier to do harder and harder things if I just try. Current Mood: morose (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 16th, 2008
10:11 pm	The only thing to do is fast ---AND GREAT IRONY I binged tonight. I'm rather disappointed in myself, too. I was doing so well. I was practically living on the fruits and veggies I got at the awesome new farmers market in town, and then I went and bought pop tarts and cookies and ate them for dinner. WTF was I thinking? I will not eat more than I have to to keep down others' suspicions for tomorrow. I probably went over my 900 calorie limit by about 700 today, so if I keep it in check tomorrow, I can get back on track and feel okay about weighing in on Friday morning. I'm also deciding to mention one of my other livejournals here (I'm such a dork- I now have three: one for normal life, one for eating disorders, and my new one...) I started my third one for a class at school where I am rather ironically a nutrition major. In the middle of a project focussing on local eating, I started the blog partly as homework, and now, OH THE IRONY, it is being linked all over the place and I am a food writer. So, I am an eating disordered nutrition major who writes about food. I think it would be rather safe to say that I am totally messed up. Anyways, the other journal is http://localfoodgirl.livejournal.com The crap food I binged on is giving me a stomach ache. Current Mood: sick (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 13th, 2008
11:08 pm	Getting rather close to being old... and going off the deep end? Yesterday was my 26th birthday. I have to admit that I'm a bit more freaked out about it than any recent birthday (I totally freaked out at 10 and 12, too, because I was afraid of getting older. Crazy, eh?). I'm just rather afraid of being an adult and getting stuck in a fat body. I'm determined to lose as much as I can by August, and then maybe everything will be a bit better. Except for perhaps my sanity. I think that perhaps that has been slowly abandoning me. Or maybe I've decided to cut it loose. I used to be fairly level headed, and I was determined to do everything the healthy way, but I now find that I am desperate. Oh, and I've gotten worse with my OCD habits. I'm probably totally clinically diagnosable with the OCD. Still not quite ready to starve myself again. I've come up with a plan to allow myself 900 calories only per day, until I reach 124 pounds (26 pounds less than now). I want to get to that point as quickly as possible. I will be exercising like crazy. Only this time, I will not do as much slacking off. If I get tired, I will find a way to keep going. Pushing through exhaustion will make me a better person. I will train like a professional athlete. Also, I did buy some more laxative tea and some weight control and weight loss support tea. I'm ready to go to some more extreme measures. On a different subject, my former best guy friend, whom I've been in love with for a very long time, and I finally hooked up. Physically, if not romantically. The thing is that he doesn't want a romance right now, and I don't really, either. I don't want to hurt him with all of the body image issues I'm going through right now. I'm sure he'll freak out a little bit when I lose a lot of weight (and he'll be able to tell exactly how much when others won't), but I'm not sure exactly what his reaction will be. It could be anywhere from caring to rejecting me because I'm no longer attractive. I used to trust this guy completely, but then we both ended up hurting each others' feelings badly, and the trust disappeared. We had a great weekend, until we were driving back from watching Prince Caspian at the theater. When I asked him what he thought of the movie, he paused for a minute and then proceeded to go on and on about how hot he thought the actress who played Susan was. I felt totally belittled, as though he was comparing me to her, and I came up lacking. It was as if he did it specifically to push me away, which could have been the case. He is afraid of getting too close to someone. Oh, well. I can't make myself be what he would want me to be. I can only be a person that I like, and maybe the confidence that could give me will make me attractive to others. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: classical waltzes (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 26th, 2008
3:22 am	Yick I feel gross. I've been eating like a pig this week, and I feel just disgusting. I feel dirty, like I'm covered in filth that I just can't scrub off. That filth is my fat, and I can't get rid of it quick enough. No amount of clawing at my skin will remove it from my distended belly and oversized hips. The scary thing is, I feel so filthy that I'm scared that losing the fat won't be enough. Current Mood: petrified (1 Comment |Comment on this)